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Does Lavender Lounge deliver what it promises on the outside?

From a design standpoint, LAVENDER LOUNGE is about as cool and kitschy as the name would imply. Kind of what you'd get if you can imagine Greg, Bobby and Peter Brady up in their room, whacking off to contraband copies of MUSCLE PICTORIAL, (omigod, did I just say that out loud???)

With pink-to-purple pastels (or is that MAAUUUVVVVVE, DAH-ling?), and those blocky/crooked graphics, it does give the whole thing a retro feel, and a peek at what will be available inside. For the most part it does truly deliver. For the other reasons why all the precum-inducing "foreplay" is much more stimulating that the main event, read on, MacFluff!

What's good about Lavender Lounge? What needs improvement?

What I liked is that first of all, it gives you a fair amount of content to play with. The deal maker (por MOI), of course would have to be the "Vintage Porn/Groovy Guys" stills section, with images provided courtesy of Posing Strap.com.

Not only will you find many hot, hunky 'he-mens' that hearken to "back in the day", when the only thing between viewers and Heaven were those flimsy little swatches of cloth, but for many of you, the mystery of who these hotties were will FINALLY be revealed. These are images you've seen on the WWW a trillion times, from well-known vintage models like Ed Fury and Brian Idol, to lesser-known lights we've been drooling over for years, (thanks so much, Mark, for finally solving the great Mike Kevin/Chuck Shields mystery for me! That man has gotten many a load outa me for years...well, in spirit, anyway!)

But enough ranting about the vintage vixens. The "Dirty Pictures/Amateur Guys" section is decent, broken down into one section for the "Amateurs" and the other for the "Bears." Not your really super-chub, brown, black and polar bears, but your leaner, smaller, more muscular ones, (BTW: Phillip and Thomas J. in this section can have my home number ANYTIME.)

The "Amateur" side is not completely amateur, mixing some newbies with some long-time 'pros' (Sam Ritter and FYERFLI immediately cum to mind,) but the variety is what makes the difference, so you won't mind the pornstar vs. neophyte mix too much.

But with all the good things, we gotta get to the Bad and Ugly as well, and honey, where does a queen begin? First off, they break a cardinal rule: NEVER, NEVER, EVER allow too many barriers to stand in the way of a man and his porn. You have to click through FOUR SEPERATE PREVIEW PAGES before you actually get to the Lounge's "front doorstep," and when I did, I was so frustrated that it took about five minutes and forty clicks before I could figure out where the HELL the Members' Entrance was. (NOT a good thing.) Let me save you some hassle: it's the VIP LOBBY button on the nav bar. WHEW! We made it, thank gawd.

And here's the next worst thing: the video clips. The promise of the "Reel Guys" online review show, hosted by webmaster/LL creator Mark Kliem and porn celeb Lex Kyler, teases you with the promise of tantalizing clips, rips and ego trips (interviews with everyone from Jeff Stryker and ZEB ATLAS (!!!!) to Swedish sin-sation Tag Ericson.

But click on the links for the clips or even the images for most of the features and wha'd'ya get? NUTTIN', honey!!! Most of these links are deader than J. Edgar Hoover, and the pop-up windows announce "The Page Cannot Be Found." Bad news on the clip pages, boyz, but even worse when you go to the Streaming Videos page, where you are supposed to be able to access Mark and Lex's bon mots about each movie they review, or clips from those films.

To be fair, there IS a disclaimer on the page that states that the files are large, and that they may take a minute or two to download into the Quicktime player. Puh-LEEAAASE. I stared at blank pop windows so long waiting for a hot clip or two, that now I'm thinking maybe someone should sue the company, to have the "Quick" part removed from the "Quicktime" name.

I took a couple of steps to make sure that it wasn't just my PC malfunctioning, so I can assure you--that is not the problem here. So make a note, Mr. Webmaster: you want a higher score? These are the two main PITA's you need to look into. (PITA being short for Pain In The Ass, and not to be confused with the Animal Rights folks. And hey, don't I have a right to my OWN animal? About 6'4", 260, hairy, 8" uncut? Whoops! Sorry...back to topic.)

How is Lavender Lounge unique?

Wouldja believe...a porn site inspired by the TV series? Yep, back in the early '90's, Mark Kliem was a struggling drone on the bottom rung of Corporate Hell's Ladder for Rising Executives, (only too bad somebody sawed off the top part of the ladder.) Frustrated, Mark pursued his interests, the legacy of his media degree and dreams of success by creating a little queer cable access show in San Fran-CRISCO, never realizing that what he had wrought would become a 'Pansy Phenomenon.'

An internationally-recognized cult hit, LL, aka self-touted "the QUEER American Bandstand," was the touchstone for what was to come later (Queer As Folk, QEFTSG, 6FU and other gay or gay-friendly shows,) and ran from 1991-95. The 'TV SHOW' link to all this and a bag o' clips can be found on the right-hand nav bar on the Video Captures page, (and Mark, hon, you may really want to think about links for Real Player and WMP, too, since Quicktime just ain't doin' it for ya, babe.)

But by all means, visit the page, browse, read and view the clips (which ARE worth waiting for.) And do read Mark's TRUE STORIES, about his "adventures in the skin trade." There are only two installments so far, but they are by turns horrifying and hysterical, and will make anybody who's been contemplating a porn career think twice...(I wonder if I return that camcorder to Best Buy?...)

What do paying users recieve for their money?

All the Still Galleries I mentioned before, both Amateur and Vintage; the Reel Guys pages, the "Hosted Galleries," which are actually veiled ads for memberships to other sites like Naked Sword, Gay Webcams and MaleFlixxx.com so unless you're game for that sort of thing, beware! (I will say this: MaleFlixxx is pretty damn good, having used them on more than one occasion, so I am somewhat biased!)

Ads do appear along the right-hand column of the pages, (and at the bottom of the very first preview page as you click-thru), but most are for the same sites already being promoted in the Hosted Galleries. Not a dealbreaker for me, but it might be for you if you just don't appreciate ads with your porn, PERIOD.

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